being frank

My doctor set off this melancoloy mood, a flippant remark , thrown at me , off the cuff with a laugh and a smile, dug low touching all those paranoid thoughts twitching in my head , why hadn;t I said this or said that? why hadn't I had a retort? why didn't I just tell her to stop?Well I guess I didn't tell her to stop because I have never told anyone to stop, not really asserted myself quietly , have only ever asserted myself by shouting or lost the plot totally in tears, tears that I don't want her to see , tears that if they start the might be years before they stop.What treat she asked , what treat have you had? "Just a bit of a treat at the weekend." she asks again , what treat she wants to know , I can't tell her without feeling pathetic "chocolate" , she turns to the pc, to look at the screen, doesn't look at me and throws the comment away in my direction "Oh come on you've got to mean it if you really want to lose weight . . . " her retort hangs pregnantly in the air , I think she wanted me to join in the banter. She carries on "you've got to take it seriously if you want to lose weight." this time she looks around with a frown on her face, I can't tell how frowny it is , I'm confused is she having a joke or is she really feeling stern , is it off the cuff and not meant , and if it isn't really meant does she really think that i'm not serious .. . . . . . . ? She laughs that superior laugh of somebody who has never had to doubt herself , a high IQ I guess she is used to the world making sense, to me I just feel baffled again like the bullies at school made me feel - how stupid for me to still hark on about it . . . . . . I told Liz I was beginning to surface from this episode , but paranoid scenarious run through my head , it's not very easy to divert them onto more positive stuff, I know all the things to do , but the truth is she's set me on another episode of anxiety /depression , one that I'll keep inside as I tell myself I must not give in and become bulemic again, purging is NOT and option. Focus , calm, imagine my self succeeding and I might . . . . . I've enough bloody hang ups without adding my weight to the list.