Reading your post helps me feel that after all not all is lost. I keep falling off the wagon too, I don't think that i eat a lot, but as soon as \i try to eat less i end up wanting to eat more. I am sure there is a direct connection or link, trying to eat less equals wanting to eat more. Every time i try to eat less my poor body immediately tells me things like "You are so hungry Dawn, and you so need to dip 4 biscuits in your coffee. The craving is dire and urgent and physically demanding, I feel as if i will never be able to eat properly again and as a result I make sure I CAN eat.
It's true how ever hard I try that I find it really hard to say no to food and the more I say no the more I feel impelled to say 'yes' it feels physical and almost impossible to not say yes.
Then I have all these guilt hang ups about how I look and feel, and how annoyed my doc will be.
Because lack of food equals increased desire, I need to make it more 'do-able' so now I am concentrating on specific task, well 2 actually. The main things i eat that are fattening are chocolate and bread, also if I eat a lot of bread (ie couple of slices) I feel bloated and get heart burn, so I am going to cut both of these out completely. As I've said before I stopped smoking , I could say no fags, and I could refuse to have them at all. With food I can't say no food at all, so the boundaries and the desires get all muddled, and the "I'll just eat a bit" mentality sneaks in until i can't ignore it.
So now I can say NO and I have s strict criteria for the 'no', no chocolate, no bread. It sounds do able, it might make a difference, keep you posted.
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You're so right about not being able to give up food. We all have to eat. And drink. And just telling yourself you're going to eat less is like telling yourself not to think about a blue orange. (what are you thinking of now? I bet it's a blue orange! LOL) I don't know the answer, but I bet it's got something to do with finding something else to occupy your brain and body.:-)
ReplyDeleteI find that too, having a "official" eating disorder; that's just it, the more I try not to eat, the more I NEED to eat. The only reason I have lost weight this time is because I really really HAD to not eat. Eating dairy, soya, egg or wheat led to so much pain, screaming, nappies etc in baby J that I just couldn't do it. I didn't ever cheat - sometimes I took a risk (eating something that might have soya in etc). Because finally, the reason was bigger than all my crap, all my issues, all the reasons I eat. But this is scary - when I can eat that stuff again, will I pile it all on again? then I'll look a huge failure to everyone. everyone will think "aha, so she is just a pig then - that's why she's fat". Having lost 2 1/2 stone, and gone down more than 2 dress sizes (in size 14 for first time in 12 years!), I don't want to go back... It scares me.
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