Monday 25 February 2008
being frank
My doctor set off this melancoloy mood, a flippant remark , thrown at me , off the cuff with a laugh and a smile, dug low touching all those paranoid thoughts twitching in my head , why hadn;t I said this or said that? why hadn't I had a retort? why didn't I just tell her to stop?Well I guess I didn't tell her to stop because I have never told anyone to stop, not really asserted myself quietly , have only ever asserted myself by shouting or lost the plot totally in tears, tears that I don't want her to see , tears that if they start the might be years before they stop.What treat she asked , what treat have you had? "Just a bit of a treat at the weekend." she asks again , what treat she wants to know , I can't tell her without feeling pathetic "chocolate" , she turns to the pc, to look at the screen, doesn't look at me and throws the comment away in my direction "Oh come on you've got to mean it if you really want to lose weight . . . " her retort hangs pregnantly in the air , I think she wanted me to join in the banter. She carries on "you've got to take it seriously if you want to lose weight." this time she looks around with a frown on her face, I can't tell how frowny it is , I'm confused is she having a joke or is she really feeling stern , is it off the cuff and not meant , and if it isn't really meant does she really think that i'm not serious .. . . . . . . ? She laughs that superior laugh of somebody who has never had to doubt herself , a high IQ I guess she is used to the world making sense, to me I just feel baffled again like the bullies at school made me feel - how stupid for me to still hark on about it . . . . . . I told Liz I was beginning to surface from this episode , but paranoid scenarious run through my head , it's not very easy to divert them onto more positive stuff, I know all the things to do , but the truth is she's set me on another episode of anxiety /depression , one that I'll keep inside as I tell myself I must not give in and become bulemic again, purging is NOT and option. Focus , calm, imagine my self succeeding and I might . . . . . I've enough bloody hang ups without adding my weight to the list.
Saturday 23 February 2008
High juice squash
Well I never . . . . . tonight I've had a lovely fresh salad with homemade vinegarette on it. To drink I avoided the coffee and had high juice (Aldi summerfruits) it's my favourite taste in squash or pop , i have at times drunk LOADS of the stuff. Tonight I suddenly had an urge to read the label, 58% fruit juice, raspberry, apple, strawberry . . . . . . sounds good , sugar . . . .
ok read the little table of calories and what have you . . . . . per 250ml serving 110 calories eeek!
I guess it's not so bad? but when you think how much of it I can get through on a hot day (well i know it's cold atm) I've been trying to drink more , and I know I make it very diluted . . .. .. but that really adds up, and from the 58% of juice the main rest of it is sugar , I know Sally can educate me about sugar - maybe she'll do us a sugar post ??
It doesn't bode well for the children's teeth either does it.
The manner of my Dr keeps going through my head too, she's usually so nice , well she seems it, but this time she was so lacking in empathy when it cam to my weight going up rather than down. I'm back on the Xenical again today, had taken a break from it when we lost our Cassie, obviously eating chocolate when bad things happen isn't a good idea.
She really was just abrupt and well I won't go on I know things play on my mind so i'd better just deal with it. . . . . . . . . . . my tendencies from my youth of over eating and then purging are jangling in my head, I still fall into the over eating "Well I've eaten too much now , I might aswell eat even more . . . ." i've had one piece of choc I may aswell eat a whole large bar . . . . . . you see all the dots and trailing off thoughts . . . . . . depression and paranoia and everything else . . .. . .. . this fat fight and mental fight is no good for my head either . . . . . . . . I could be dead honest about it all , but i'm guessing you wouldn't want to read it.
dawny x
ok read the little table of calories and what have you . . . . . per 250ml serving 110 calories eeek!
I guess it's not so bad? but when you think how much of it I can get through on a hot day (well i know it's cold atm) I've been trying to drink more , and I know I make it very diluted . . .. .. but that really adds up, and from the 58% of juice the main rest of it is sugar , I know Sally can educate me about sugar - maybe she'll do us a sugar post ??
It doesn't bode well for the children's teeth either does it.
The manner of my Dr keeps going through my head too, she's usually so nice , well she seems it, but this time she was so lacking in empathy when it cam to my weight going up rather than down. I'm back on the Xenical again today, had taken a break from it when we lost our Cassie, obviously eating chocolate when bad things happen isn't a good idea.
She really was just abrupt and well I won't go on I know things play on my mind so i'd better just deal with it. . . . . . . . . . . my tendencies from my youth of over eating and then purging are jangling in my head, I still fall into the over eating "Well I've eaten too much now , I might aswell eat even more . . . ." i've had one piece of choc I may aswell eat a whole large bar . . . . . . you see all the dots and trailing off thoughts . . . . . . depression and paranoia and everything else . . .. . .. . this fat fight and mental fight is no good for my head either . . . . . . . . I could be dead honest about it all , but i'm guessing you wouldn't want to read it.
dawny x
Thursday 21 February 2008
OK so that's a kick in the guts
So I've been avoiding fat and high calorie foods, had the odd treat at weekends, eaten lots of things I shouldn't this week because of losing our Cassie dog and I've been low.
Today I went to see the doctor, we talked, sorted some blood tests for cholesterol and stuff, we did my blood pressure, which is fine, and then the moment of truth. I got on the scales, i looked down and there it was - I have PUT WEIGHT ON,. yes put it on , not lost it , but put it on , more then a kilogram . . . . . so much for diet. So much for xenicol. I feel so fed up with myself . . . . . . I did feel thinner, I did think i'd lost some . . . . . blinkin heck.
BMI and weight have not gone down at all . . . . . . . any I had lost I must have put back on since losing Cassie. my stomach does feel less bloated and it does feel less fat . . . . . . .
So since then today I have had a HUGE flapjack, some chocolate and some brioche . . . and some biscuits . . . . . . . . start again tomorrow - feel really bad about it now .
Today I went to see the doctor, we talked, sorted some blood tests for cholesterol and stuff, we did my blood pressure, which is fine, and then the moment of truth. I got on the scales, i looked down and there it was - I have PUT WEIGHT ON,. yes put it on , not lost it , but put it on , more then a kilogram . . . . . so much for diet. So much for xenicol. I feel so fed up with myself . . . . . . I did feel thinner, I did think i'd lost some . . . . . blinkin heck.
BMI and weight have not gone down at all . . . . . . . any I had lost I must have put back on since losing Cassie. my stomach does feel less bloated and it does feel less fat . . . . . . .
So since then today I have had a HUGE flapjack, some chocolate and some brioche . . . and some biscuits . . . . . . . . start again tomorrow - feel really bad about it now .
Wagon? Ah yes, now I remember, there was a wagon!
I have to say "Wagon? Ah yes there was a wagon, I remember. Had better get back on it then!"
As an aside, I've been reading Jan Fortune-Wood's "Without Boundaries" ... about eliminating coercion (even the subtle stuff) from your parenting ... so I've begun to give Lani the reins regarding her sugar issues. The interesting effect it has had is that she has begun to feel really dubious about sugar in our diets and is working really hard on Jon and I to cut it out for the sake of our long term health. She may just get me back on the sugarless wagon!
I've been straying a bit with wheat too and need to get off it again and give it a month or two to get to see if there is any real impact for me when not eating it. It shouldn't be hard as I have spent lots of time wheat allergic anyway so it's not new ... and our dinners always have to be wheat free for Jon, anyway.
I have largely been taking my vits and mins ... so that is at least still on track.
The past week or so I've been overeating on occasion, past my comfort point. I've been clearing up after Lani who seems to have little or no appetite. I have also been eating out and choosing quite the wrong stuff. therein I seem to have been eating white rolls (which I can usually leave without any trouble) and pastry dishes ... not to mention curries. So, if I had lost anything I may well have put it back on in the last week! It is a jolly good thing I cannot touch chocolate because at least I can't always clear up everyone's puddings! Heh, why have we been having puddings? We don't usually bother with them! I think it is me and my sugar cravings. I keep finding myself bending rules to get myself a sugar fix. Thankfully, Lani is more in charge now and will put me off for the sake of avoiding heart disease! I think I have her so well convinced that crap food is as dangerous to your health and your kids health as smoking ... now I just have to remember that myself ... and keep in mind that it can only get to be more of a problem the longer I keep eating like that and slowly accumulating the pounds. If I'm lucky I may have another 40 years and I cannot continue gaining even 5lb a year without being in serious danger within 2 to 3 of those 40 years! I need to keep focused.
Get out of the takeaway/pub restaurant you lazy wench, and plan some dinners. Get the menu up and running again (need to write a new one I'm excited by), do the shopping and cooking during the part of the day when Miyuki is contented.
As an aside, I've been reading Jan Fortune-Wood's "Without Boundaries" ... about eliminating coercion (even the subtle stuff) from your parenting ... so I've begun to give Lani the reins regarding her sugar issues. The interesting effect it has had is that she has begun to feel really dubious about sugar in our diets and is working really hard on Jon and I to cut it out for the sake of our long term health. She may just get me back on the sugarless wagon!
I've been straying a bit with wheat too and need to get off it again and give it a month or two to get to see if there is any real impact for me when not eating it. It shouldn't be hard as I have spent lots of time wheat allergic anyway so it's not new ... and our dinners always have to be wheat free for Jon, anyway.
I have largely been taking my vits and mins ... so that is at least still on track.
The past week or so I've been overeating on occasion, past my comfort point. I've been clearing up after Lani who seems to have little or no appetite. I have also been eating out and choosing quite the wrong stuff. therein I seem to have been eating white rolls (which I can usually leave without any trouble) and pastry dishes ... not to mention curries. So, if I had lost anything I may well have put it back on in the last week! It is a jolly good thing I cannot touch chocolate because at least I can't always clear up everyone's puddings! Heh, why have we been having puddings? We don't usually bother with them! I think it is me and my sugar cravings. I keep finding myself bending rules to get myself a sugar fix. Thankfully, Lani is more in charge now and will put me off for the sake of avoiding heart disease! I think I have her so well convinced that crap food is as dangerous to your health and your kids health as smoking ... now I just have to remember that myself ... and keep in mind that it can only get to be more of a problem the longer I keep eating like that and slowly accumulating the pounds. If I'm lucky I may have another 40 years and I cannot continue gaining even 5lb a year without being in serious danger within 2 to 3 of those 40 years! I need to keep focused.
Get out of the takeaway/pub restaurant you lazy wench, and plan some dinners. Get the menu up and running again (need to write a new one I'm excited by), do the shopping and cooking during the part of the day when Miyuki is contented.
Tuesday 12 February 2008
Obesity Virus
A leading Dr in America is convinced there is a virus making people obese, it started with chickens . . . . . . . . . . CLICK HERE to read about it.
Friday 8 February 2008
Up and running
I'm right behind you and catching up!
Started my 'healthy eating plan' proper on Weds. Dh won't allow me to call it a diet, given all the research I've done on how diets are BAAAAAD news. So healthy eating it is then.
I'm basing it on the Marilyn Glenville book 'Fat around the middle' and it's about so much more than just losing weight, although that is a nice side effect. If, like me, your body doesn't handle stress well, ie piles every ounce it can as close to your liver as possible round your middle, then the plan could work for you too. (Now who's sounding evangelical, Sally!) It's about supporting your body and your mind and helping you to deal with stress a lot better.
The plan goes something like this:
First month:
No alcohol
No wheat
No sugar except naturally occurring eg fruit
No potatoes
As little dairy as possible
Eat at least every 3 hours
No carbohydrate with evening meal
Don't eat fruit after evening meal
No caffeine, no fruit tea, no decaff coffee (I'm on rooibos and herbal tea)
After the first month you can let go a little and have a little alcohol now and then, a bit more dairy and generally relax a bit about carbs and fruit.
In the first month you're allowed one cheat day, then two in the second month then I think it's one a week after that. The rule of thumb is stick to the plan for 80% of the time.
I've been going 3 days now (wow!) and don't have any cravings at all. I do get a bit peckish but I can usually find something to satisfy it or at least calm it down.
Will post more later
Started my 'healthy eating plan' proper on Weds. Dh won't allow me to call it a diet, given all the research I've done on how diets are BAAAAAD news. So healthy eating it is then.
I'm basing it on the Marilyn Glenville book 'Fat around the middle' and it's about so much more than just losing weight, although that is a nice side effect. If, like me, your body doesn't handle stress well, ie piles every ounce it can as close to your liver as possible round your middle, then the plan could work for you too. (Now who's sounding evangelical, Sally!) It's about supporting your body and your mind and helping you to deal with stress a lot better.
The plan goes something like this:
First month:
No alcohol
No wheat
No sugar except naturally occurring eg fruit
No potatoes
As little dairy as possible
Eat at least every 3 hours
No carbohydrate with evening meal
Don't eat fruit after evening meal
No caffeine, no fruit tea, no decaff coffee (I'm on rooibos and herbal tea)
After the first month you can let go a little and have a little alcohol now and then, a bit more dairy and generally relax a bit about carbs and fruit.
In the first month you're allowed one cheat day, then two in the second month then I think it's one a week after that. The rule of thumb is stick to the plan for 80% of the time.
I've been going 3 days now (wow!) and don't have any cravings at all. I do get a bit peckish but I can usually find something to satisfy it or at least calm it down.
Will post more later
Tuesday 5 February 2008
supersize vs superskinny
Tonight Amy Jo and Andy swapped diets, Andy was such a nice guy but my word did he eat a lot. Anyway the things he ate were all things that were my downfalls too. I said to Stef that they ought to show the diet plans they make up for them to take home and improve themselves for 3 months. I went online and they do give the diet plans . This is Andy's diet plan, in three months he lost more than 3 stone. The changes he made to his diet are changes we have made too, but it helps a lot to see it written down , so here it is , and at the bottom is the link to the site if you'd like to look at more.
Andy's eating plan from Ch4
Reducing the milk in coffees
Reducing the take aways
Cutting down on the high fat snacks eg biscuits, pastries
Andy's eating plan from Ch4
Goals
- Change cooking methods
- Cut out crisps – choose low fat alternatives eg rice cakes, low fat crisps etc
Shopping list - Start the day with breakfast
- Take a suitable lunch and snacks to work
- Replace coffee with tea
- Plan evening meals – eat with the children
How to make it happen
these were the main changes he made and he kept it up for 3 months losing 3 stone. He looked so thrilled.
His full menu and plan is available here on the ch4 website
I'm going to try to keep to his diet as much as i can because I know it's balanced and it'll make me eat enough. I tend to eat not enough and then i give in and binge - well at least i know my tendencies - I've binged ever since i was about 12.
Monday 4 February 2008
Hmmm.... greens (like Homer's love of doughnuts)
Well, my scales seem to be broken. That's a good thing! Now I cannot weigh myself then I cannot think about it in terms of lb and kg ... and will go by better things like what fits and how I feel.
I've been pretty balanced. I reckon that old chap (Urgelt?) that Dawny posted about was right about getting rid of the crap that produces cravings and then tapping into the true cravings your body sends you as messages. Mine are for mackerel and broccoli. I've also got a passion for cavello nero (a sort of long dark green kale of sorts). It is lovely stir fried with mushrooms. I went out for tea yesterday. For the first time ever I wanted the fish dish over the lamb or out and out crap. I really wanted oily fish (it was Silver Bream) but the mushrooms it promised swayed me. (actually, the chips did a bit of a devil thing on me too, but when I was done I felt like the only thing I'd not enjoyed was the chips.)
By the way ... mushrooms are a super food in terms of vitamins and minerals. The other thing I've been amazed by is brazil nuts. A friend bought me "Grow Your Own Pharmacy" for xmas year before last and I've got around to reading it. It is a book well worth having for the quick at-a-glance charts that show you which foods to eat to get which minerals and vitamins. ... it's got recipes too, and gardening tips and lots on herbs.
My dh asked if I've lost weight, so maybe I have. My skirt seems a bit looser.
I don't feel particularly energised or anything ... but I probably need to get a bit more exercise and stop fobbing myself off with 'well ... I'm on my feet all day!' (she says sitting on the computer) and you know, Dawny, that I've been on here a lot today because I'm quick to answer your emails.... hang on a moment! so have you been! Get off your butt! LOL! We just have no time left to ourselves when we home ed do we? LOL! Byron Katie has so demystified me about believing my own crap that I'm almost ready to acknowledge that my irritation with what Becs doesn't get done, chores wise, is more a reflection of my dissatisfaction with what I don't get done ... with the big fat excuse that it's so much hard work home educating! Yeah, pah! It also means I have to get off my dh's case with the shit about having been run off my feet all day. Who believes that? And I may have to be humble enough to fess-up.. The up side, however, is that I now believe I've got all the time in the world and if I wanted to sew I'd be doing it, and if I wanted to have time to myself, I'd make it happen. Sounds too simple? Try it! (Oh, and I have to have a session with myself to get over my mum's comments about me evangelising about all the 'good news' I discover (homoeopathy, CBT, Byron Katie, Nourishing Traditions, etc, etc, etc)! I sure do! Hang on a moment. Where did I get that trait from!?!?!?!?!?
Anyway, pretty up beat.
I've been pretty balanced. I reckon that old chap (Urgelt?) that Dawny posted about was right about getting rid of the crap that produces cravings and then tapping into the true cravings your body sends you as messages. Mine are for mackerel and broccoli. I've also got a passion for cavello nero (a sort of long dark green kale of sorts). It is lovely stir fried with mushrooms. I went out for tea yesterday. For the first time ever I wanted the fish dish over the lamb or out and out crap. I really wanted oily fish (it was Silver Bream) but the mushrooms it promised swayed me. (actually, the chips did a bit of a devil thing on me too, but when I was done I felt like the only thing I'd not enjoyed was the chips.)
By the way ... mushrooms are a super food in terms of vitamins and minerals. The other thing I've been amazed by is brazil nuts. A friend bought me "Grow Your Own Pharmacy" for xmas year before last and I've got around to reading it. It is a book well worth having for the quick at-a-glance charts that show you which foods to eat to get which minerals and vitamins. ... it's got recipes too, and gardening tips and lots on herbs.
My dh asked if I've lost weight, so maybe I have. My skirt seems a bit looser.
I don't feel particularly energised or anything ... but I probably need to get a bit more exercise and stop fobbing myself off with 'well ... I'm on my feet all day!' (she says sitting on the computer) and you know, Dawny, that I've been on here a lot today because I'm quick to answer your emails.... hang on a moment! so have you been! Get off your butt! LOL! We just have no time left to ourselves when we home ed do we? LOL! Byron Katie has so demystified me about believing my own crap that I'm almost ready to acknowledge that my irritation with what Becs doesn't get done, chores wise, is more a reflection of my dissatisfaction with what I don't get done ... with the big fat excuse that it's so much hard work home educating! Yeah, pah! It also means I have to get off my dh's case with the shit about having been run off my feet all day. Who believes that? And I may have to be humble enough to fess-up.. The up side, however, is that I now believe I've got all the time in the world and if I wanted to sew I'd be doing it, and if I wanted to have time to myself, I'd make it happen. Sounds too simple? Try it! (Oh, and I have to have a session with myself to get over my mum's comments about me evangelising about all the 'good news' I discover (homoeopathy, CBT, Byron Katie, Nourishing Traditions, etc, etc, etc)! I sure do! Hang on a moment. Where did I get that trait from!?!?!?!?!?
Anyway, pretty up beat.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
