Really, REALLY bad day today. I was going out to a picnic with the kids at a friend's house and decided to try something on that I had worn on a sunny day two years ago. I was shocked at how tight it was and suddenly my internal picture of myself just crumbled and I felt totally cr*p. As is usual in these situations everything spiralled until I was the worst person in the world and have been blighting my own and my children's lives. My 9 yr old ds and 6 yr old dd have both been getting a bit chunky, well a lot chunky in my dd's case, since we moved up here 2 years ago so naturally it's ALL MY FAULT. Of course. We used to live in a town and we'd always be out and about walking the dog, popping into town, cycling or scootering down the cycle path etc etc but that just hasn't been possible where we live now. Have I mentioned this before? I'm sure I have. Getting enough exercise here seems a lot harder. Any nice walks are a drive away, which makes them harder to fit into an already crammed full day. The sports centre is half an hour's drive away. The road into the village is pretty dangerous, and besides that walk gets pretty boring if it's all you've got. The dog has aged a lot in two years. he's twelve and a half and really feeling it, so no more yomping. But I must stop looking back at how easy it was then and try and find a way to make exercising a priority. I think cycling might be the way to go. It feels like it'd be so much easier to get myself fit, but I'm responsible for all the kids getting fit too. Tall order.
Well, anyway. I calmed down a bit and told myself that the skirt may have been tight, but I did actually get it on (then took it off in disgust and wore my jeans instead). And I have already lost some weight, I just need to lose a bit more.
I have the feeling that this place is about to become a mini boot camp. No sweets, lots more healthy eating etc etc. Any suggestions on how to persuade the kids to become more responsible about what they put into their bodies and how much they exercise would be gratefully received.
Sunday, 29 June 2008
Monday, 26 May 2008
The good news and the bad news
Well, it's been ages since I posted last and I've achieved one of my goals. My marker for success was going to be whether I got into a certain pair of trousers. I managed that about a month ago. I was terribly nervous about trying them and then getting all depressed if they didn't fit, but they did.
The bad news is that I'm supposed to keep up the eating plan for 80% of the time. Yeah, right! I'm pretty bad at keeping to it, but I think the basics are there like not eating carbohydrate without protein, and I'm pretty sure I get my five a day most days, but I'm cheating so often. I've told myself it's ok to eat chocolate again. Well, it may be true that I don't come out in a rash straight away, but it still happens a day or so after. And certain days the sugar cravings are debilitating. One thing I have noticed is that if I eat anything with sugar in it in the evenings I get the odd numbness in my hand that used to worry me so much. Ok so now I know what to do, or rather what not to do, about it, but it is baffling.
I'm also pretty sure that my mood swings are partly down to not eating well enough, as well as environmental factors such as my relationship with a certain member of my family.
Well I know what to do, I just need to do it:-)
The bad news is that I'm supposed to keep up the eating plan for 80% of the time. Yeah, right! I'm pretty bad at keeping to it, but I think the basics are there like not eating carbohydrate without protein, and I'm pretty sure I get my five a day most days, but I'm cheating so often. I've told myself it's ok to eat chocolate again. Well, it may be true that I don't come out in a rash straight away, but it still happens a day or so after. And certain days the sugar cravings are debilitating. One thing I have noticed is that if I eat anything with sugar in it in the evenings I get the odd numbness in my hand that used to worry me so much. Ok so now I know what to do, or rather what not to do, about it, but it is baffling.
I'm also pretty sure that my mood swings are partly down to not eating well enough, as well as environmental factors such as my relationship with a certain member of my family.
Well I know what to do, I just need to do it:-)
Wednesday, 2 April 2008
Here we go again
Hi Y'all
Back on the wagon again. Three whole days now. Bit depressing really because it's so hard to stick to it if I go out anywhere. Been having a lot of headaches too, wonder if it's caffeine withdrawal after all that easter chocolate. I did rather make up for lost time!LOL Oh well, slog on. The clocks going forward really affects the whole family quite badly. Littlest is now sleping through quite well, but I'm still waking up in the early hours and finding it difficult to get back to sleep. Although it's a possibele sign of depression I don't *think* I'm depressed, it's just a pattern I'm in and it'll take a while to overcome that. Last night our dog Merlin was very restless and had us up for a couple of hours, pacing and wanting to go out then come in then go out again. He's on heart tablets and one of the side effects is restlessness. I'm really looking forward to geting some decent sleep. We've told littlest that she's goign into her own bed when she's 4 in May, so we'll see how that goes.
Nothing else to report.
Back on the wagon again. Three whole days now. Bit depressing really because it's so hard to stick to it if I go out anywhere. Been having a lot of headaches too, wonder if it's caffeine withdrawal after all that easter chocolate. I did rather make up for lost time!LOL Oh well, slog on. The clocks going forward really affects the whole family quite badly. Littlest is now sleping through quite well, but I'm still waking up in the early hours and finding it difficult to get back to sleep. Although it's a possibele sign of depression I don't *think* I'm depressed, it's just a pattern I'm in and it'll take a while to overcome that. Last night our dog Merlin was very restless and had us up for a couple of hours, pacing and wanting to go out then come in then go out again. He's on heart tablets and one of the side effects is restlessness. I'm really looking forward to geting some decent sleep. We've told littlest that she's goign into her own bed when she's 4 in May, so we'll see how that goes.
Nothing else to report.
Wednesday, 19 March 2008
Cheat! Cheat! Big fat cheat!
Yep. I'll admit it. Look, it's been a tough week. (or more). My eating plan allows for one cheat day in the first month, 2 in the second and 1 a week in the third, but I've completely rewritten the rules. They now read 'If you're having a hard time cheat, cheat and cheat again'. Seems fair enough to me:-)
Had my hair cut last week to go out for a meal with DH. Really nice meal and my only cheat was the alcohol and the strawberries, meringue and cream. Then had a horrible 2 days. Hit the pits. So I thought 'what do women generally do when they feel this miserable? They eat chocolate that's what'. And having discoveed that I can eat chocolate without getting too much of a rash, and given that I'd just bought myself a Lindt bunny, i scoffed it. And I loved it.
Then I found out that I'd run out of my vitamin and amino acid supplements. Now, there's no point sticking to the diet if I can't do all of it is there? So normal service will be resumed when they arrive. Till then I've been quite surprised that even though I'm allowing myself to cheat I'm not bingeing, I'm just giving in to temptation a little bit. A mars bar here, a half a glass of beer there.
Oh well. When my supplements get here I'm going to give it the full 8 weeks and not cheat at all, unless it's an officially sanctioned cheat day. I may have to bend the rules again...
Had my hair cut last week to go out for a meal with DH. Really nice meal and my only cheat was the alcohol and the strawberries, meringue and cream. Then had a horrible 2 days. Hit the pits. So I thought 'what do women generally do when they feel this miserable? They eat chocolate that's what'. And having discoveed that I can eat chocolate without getting too much of a rash, and given that I'd just bought myself a Lindt bunny, i scoffed it. And I loved it.
Then I found out that I'd run out of my vitamin and amino acid supplements. Now, there's no point sticking to the diet if I can't do all of it is there? So normal service will be resumed when they arrive. Till then I've been quite surprised that even though I'm allowing myself to cheat I'm not bingeing, I'm just giving in to temptation a little bit. A mars bar here, a half a glass of beer there.
Oh well. When my supplements get here I'm going to give it the full 8 weeks and not cheat at all, unless it's an officially sanctioned cheat day. I may have to bend the rules again...
Thursday, 13 March 2008
handling stuff too
Reading your post helps me feel that after all not all is lost. I keep falling off the wagon too, I don't think that i eat a lot, but as soon as \i try to eat less i end up wanting to eat more. I am sure there is a direct connection or link, trying to eat less equals wanting to eat more. Every time i try to eat less my poor body immediately tells me things like "You are so hungry Dawn, and you so need to dip 4 biscuits in your coffee. The craving is dire and urgent and physically demanding, I feel as if i will never be able to eat properly again and as a result I make sure I CAN eat.
It's true how ever hard I try that I find it really hard to say no to food and the more I say no the more I feel impelled to say 'yes' it feels physical and almost impossible to not say yes.
Then I have all these guilt hang ups about how I look and feel, and how annoyed my doc will be.
Because lack of food equals increased desire, I need to make it more 'do-able' so now I am concentrating on specific task, well 2 actually. The main things i eat that are fattening are chocolate and bread, also if I eat a lot of bread (ie couple of slices) I feel bloated and get heart burn, so I am going to cut both of these out completely. As I've said before I stopped smoking , I could say no fags, and I could refuse to have them at all. With food I can't say no food at all, so the boundaries and the desires get all muddled, and the "I'll just eat a bit" mentality sneaks in until i can't ignore it.
So now I can say NO and I have s strict criteria for the 'no', no chocolate, no bread. It sounds do able, it might make a difference, keep you posted.
It's true how ever hard I try that I find it really hard to say no to food and the more I say no the more I feel impelled to say 'yes' it feels physical and almost impossible to not say yes.
Then I have all these guilt hang ups about how I look and feel, and how annoyed my doc will be.
Because lack of food equals increased desire, I need to make it more 'do-able' so now I am concentrating on specific task, well 2 actually. The main things i eat that are fattening are chocolate and bread, also if I eat a lot of bread (ie couple of slices) I feel bloated and get heart burn, so I am going to cut both of these out completely. As I've said before I stopped smoking , I could say no fags, and I could refuse to have them at all. With food I can't say no food at all, so the boundaries and the desires get all muddled, and the "I'll just eat a bit" mentality sneaks in until i can't ignore it.
So now I can say NO and I have s strict criteria for the 'no', no chocolate, no bread. It sounds do able, it might make a difference, keep you posted.
Wednesday, 12 March 2008
Handling stress
Oops. I've been forgetting to post in purple. Been thinking about stress and how to handle it and still carry on being careful about what I eat. Whenever there's any kind of conflict, even if it's just black clouds on the horizon, or someone else not handling their emotions terribly well ( I'll leave you to guess the gender) I immediately feel that tight little knot and find myself fantasising about food. Or even succumbing.
So I am going to have to find different ways of dealing with stress, and as I can't just drop everything and sink into a hot bath it'll have to be something else. Probably something active involving the kids. And I'll have to take a leaf out of my own pet peeves book ( the one that gets annoyed when I suggest something and the person I've sugested it to comes up with reasons why it just can't be done - when I know it darned well can and needs to be!) and stop that annoying little voice in my head telling me negative things and why this won't be possible or that won't be practical, and by the way shouldn't you be doing x. y or z, I mean you *are* supposed to be educating those kid, you know! After all, who makes my schedule for me? Who is it who decides what I should be doing and how and when? Don't answer that!
So I am going to have to find different ways of dealing with stress, and as I can't just drop everything and sink into a hot bath it'll have to be something else. Probably something active involving the kids. And I'll have to take a leaf out of my own pet peeves book ( the one that gets annoyed when I suggest something and the person I've sugested it to comes up with reasons why it just can't be done - when I know it darned well can and needs to be!) and stop that annoying little voice in my head telling me negative things and why this won't be possible or that won't be practical, and by the way shouldn't you be doing x. y or z, I mean you *are* supposed to be educating those kid, you know! After all, who makes my schedule for me? Who is it who decides what I should be doing and how and when? Don't answer that!
Friday, 7 March 2008
Some positive stuff
I've noticed two positive things this week. The first thing is my big knickers: they fit better! They come up to my belly button where before they kind of slouched a couple of inches lower. It's a big thing for me. I daren't measure my waist and hips in case it's all an illusion and I haven't actually lost inches, but it FEELS like I have and that's good enough for me.
The other thing is that I find I'm not scuttling past the mirror, scared to look at myself. Even in my slobbiest everyday clothes I no longer feel flabby. I've been wondering whether the way I was eating before actually affected my brain and the way I perceived how I looked. I've heard it said that anorexics have a distorted view of their bodies and believe that they look fat even when they are little more than skeletons. Again even if I haven't lost weight, I feel as though I look better to myself and that'll do for me. Smiley, hopeful, positive Liz is a nice Liz to be around.:-)
The other thing is that I find I'm not scuttling past the mirror, scared to look at myself. Even in my slobbiest everyday clothes I no longer feel flabby. I've been wondering whether the way I was eating before actually affected my brain and the way I perceived how I looked. I've heard it said that anorexics have a distorted view of their bodies and believe that they look fat even when they are little more than skeletons. Again even if I haven't lost weight, I feel as though I look better to myself and that'll do for me. Smiley, hopeful, positive Liz is a nice Liz to be around.:-)
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